AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!

OK, go out and enjoy the great outdoors.  Its a beautiful day, get outside and enjoy it.  It won't always be this nice outside, so I should feel guilty if I don't enjoy it, right?  Most of us have a very romantic perspective of being outside and enjoying nature.  Lush green lawns, warm sunny skies, and shady trees.   We quickly forget the cons to outdoor fun.  First off, I walked outside this morning to play a little lacrosse and guess what?  Some freakishly large spider had decided that the walkway from my front door was the ideal place to build a web and catch prey.  I don't mind this if I am not the prey.  I walked right through this sticky mess.  I was pulling web off of me for twenty minutes.  I still feel like I have some on me and I have showered since this incident.  That was just the start.

I also live in an area close to a body of water.  Which is cool, but also means that your neighborhood is a food trail for every thirsty animal in the area.  There is a lot of wilderness here, so this translates to a lot of animals.  Most of them nocturnal with  an abnormally poor ability to dodge cars.  Every morning in the street,  is a buffet of last night's roadkill.  Nothing like seeing animals turned inside out just after breakfast.  I have not even mentioned the smell.  If it is a dead skunk, forget about going for the morning jog.

Sitting peacefully in the grass and enjoying the beautiful day, is an event that people in other state's do.  Here, we are cursed with tiny microscopic bugs called "chiggers."   I don't know where they get their name, but I hate them.  I think that they are Satan's insectazoid spawn.  The grass is good for mowing and not much else.  I would like to just put concrete down all the way around the house and make it like a racetrack.  

Shady trees look great, but here, beware.  The ticks drop from the trees.  Also, the cicadas live in the trees.  They sound weird, but look even more bizarre.  They are mutant-plan 9 from outer space beings.  Red devil eyes, black alien bodies and wings.  They shed their shell in the late summer and it is a real treat if one of those babies happens to drop on you.  Yes, you will avoid trees for some time after experiencing that.  

How about the romance of being with your lover/girlfriend/boyfriend/significant other/hotness in the summer heat.  I can think of many states where this is acceptable and cool.  I live in a subtropical zone, where I can think of nothing less romantic.  The humidity is a killjoy.  Nothing like getting close to someone in a humidity so thick that sweat is constantly pouring off of you.  That really makes you feel confident.  Most women's hair is shot after 10 minutes outside.  The real problem with sweat is the nice stains on the shirts and the constant rancid smell.  You have two options:  1.  Just endure the accompanying body odor and convince yourself that it is OK.  2.  Wear so much cologne/perfume that it masks the offensive smell completely.  The latter is what many people do and the result is nasty.  The body odor either mixes with the cologne/perfume creating a potpourri of stench, or the cologne/perfume is so strong that it makes the eyes, of everyone in a ten-foot radius, water profusely.  

One fashion tip for the guys out there.  Do not combat the summer heat with the loosely fitting shirt that you are only utilizing one of the buttons up the front.  You know, the tropical style shirt where you decide to show off you manness by only buttoning one of the middle buttons.  Few guys can pull this off and look good.  When I say few, I mean less than 1% of the population.  Probably nobody in the Midwest/Northeast/Southeast/Northwest/Southwest.  That just leaves a few guys in California, who are probably actors.  They spend about 7 hours a day working out, $10k/month on great "vitamins" and get their bodies waxed every other day.  They do this because movie studios pay them $10M to take their shirts off in films.  We all know who these actors are because most guys hate them and every woman loves them.  The rest of the world needs to keep their collective shirts buttoned.  This next tip should not even have to be mentioned, but if you are a man and are wearing any jewelry beyond a wedding band and watch, check yourself.  Bracelets, rings, earrings, necklaces, etc should be forbidden.  If you sport any of these, shake yourself off and come over to manhood.  These things just show your own insecurity and make you look like the dork that you are trying so hard to avoid looking like.  Nothing screams pay attention to me because I am so insecure, like a guy walking around with excessive bling.  Excessive is anything beyond the band and the watch.   

This is just a little red dogs point of view.