LAX: NATIVE AMERICAN WAR GAME!!!!

Lacrosse was originally known among Native American tribes as Baggataway.  Only later did the French name it Lacrosse, probably because of the stick (crosse).  I am not big on anything french, except french toast, but the sport really has nothing to do with our hygiene impaired allies from Europe.  This game was originally designed to prepare troops for warfare.  It is commonly referred to today as the "fastest game on two feet."  The only people who don't like Lacrosse are the ignorant masses who don't know anything about the game.  What is not to love, hard rubber ball traveling at the speed of sound, sticks with nets at the end trying to catch and fling this ball, physical contact(except in the women's game), and incredibly fast paced.  Plus, for those of you who want to feel like you are a part of the past, its the oldest sport on this continent.  A good time is guaranteed for all.  Except for the losers.  I think that according to the Natives, the losing team was sacrificed to pagan gods.  We are way too civilized to do that today.  No, we just second guess and criticize the losers until they grow jaded and hateful.  

Lacrosse is a fast growing game, too.  It is available to play in most places in the United States.  However, the East Coast is a hotbed of Lacrosse activity.  It is rumored that babies born in the state of Maryland, are born with a tiny Lacrosse stick in their hands.  

Most people who try Lacrosse, never go back to any other sport.  It is just too much fun.  It's main competition is the American past time; baseball.  I think that baseball is past its time.  Even baseball players find baseball boring.  Baseball is not even as American as Lacrosse.  However, I like Lacrosse being a little bit niche.  It is still cool and not so overly saturated with popularity that kids are buying Lacrosse shirts, just because its cool.  I don't want it to be trendy, just cool.  If you are a teenage boy and you want to impress a hot girl, what would be better than LAX.  If she asks you what you are into and you respond something like, "soccer."  How lame.  Everyone has played soccer.  But if she asks you the same question and you say, "Lacrosse!"  Now you have something to talk about.  Your follow up would be, "Its a Native American game of war.  Nothing really.  I'm lucky to have survived this long, playing such a dangerous game."  Now you are the cool guy that plays the non traditional cool sport with a little bit of danger.  You have now set yourself apart as the cool guy, who is a little bit different.  Not pink hair and a face that looks like you fell into a tackle box different, but cool different.  

ROCKIN' OUT WITH THE JONAS BROTHERS

Although this is a photo of one of the big screens at the concert, this concert was great.  It was July 4th and they only performed for 45 minutes, but it was a good 45 minutes.  Going into the concert I didn't know much of their music, but the stuff I heard, I liked.  These brothers Jonas seemed like really nice kids.  I know that they may be the flavor of week, but they reminded me of The Beatles.  Young girls screaming every where, plucky pop songs being performed, and middle aged women singing along.  A few middle aged men sporting t-shirts and a strange affection for the boys, but beyond that it was a real nice atmosphere.  

I am now a Jonas Brothers fan!!!  Long live the brothers Jonas!!!  Keeeeeeeeviiiinnnnnn!!!!!!  JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOE!!!!   NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCKKKKkk!!!!!

EXPLOSIVES!!!!!!

Where does the primal need to blow things up come from?  Maybe its not the need to blow things up, but the desire to.  Maybe it is the desire to watch glowing lights in the sky accompanied by a loud boom!  From my p.o.v., that of a small red dog, it seems to be a innate desire shared by the male population of human primates.  Most of the women do not seem to be driven to create, set off, spend money on, and full on get into fireworks.  Many little boys want to play army and blow things up.  Many boys dream of flying planes and blowing things up.  Where does this come from?  Some women may be offended by this because they are the 1% that enjoys this type of activity too.  However, I am confident that a majority of women do not lay in their beds at night thinking of the explosion that would result from stringing 4 M-80s together.  If I am missing a whole chunk of the female population, then I will apologize.  Please respond with signed testimonies and photographic evidence.  

Speaking of blowing things up and flying planes, I have always wondered about some of the weapons employed in war.  I understand swords, guns, and tanks.  However, who dreamed up flame-throwers?  Is this person embarrassed?   Did it come out of a armament committee meeting where some guy finally said, "You know the other day I got really angry at my neighbor and I really wished I could have thrown fire on him.  I know that doing that is dangerous and I wouldn't want to get burned, so I rigged up this little number that will do just the trick."   The flame thrower seems to be about the worst way to kill someone.  I am going to stand here and burn you up while you stand, over there.  Just imagine the agonizing screams of the people as they are burning up.  Yikes!!!!   Bru-tal!

What about land mines?  I understand that some of them are just suppose to maim and not kill.  Do we really need that?  Some of these mines look like toys to attract little kids.  Honestly, who not only thinks this up, but gets funding for this?  All over the world armies of salesman are trying to get their ideas funded.  Most of them are things to make people's lives easier, like the Shamwow!!  Most of these ideas go unfunded and never make it to the market place.  But not in the case of the land mine that looks like a child's toy.  Not only did some psychopath have the cajones to build a business plan behind this idea, but then someone pitched it to the funding group.  Talk about knowing your client.  I imagine that the pitch went something like this,  "Look I know that you guys are a bunch of sick individuals with a strong desire to send a message.  We want to help you out.  We have just the product for you; an explosive that looks like a toy!!!  Nothing sends a message like hurting a bunch of little kids.  You will be known worldwide as the most depraved group ever.   Hell will have a special place for you."  

We dogs, we sniff each other in odd places, we mark our territory all over the place, and sometimes get into a spat, but none of the dogs I know are booby trapping each other's toys.     

AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!

OK, go out and enjoy the great outdoors.  Its a beautiful day, get outside and enjoy it.  It won't always be this nice outside, so I should feel guilty if I don't enjoy it, right?  Most of us have a very romantic perspective of being outside and enjoying nature.  Lush green lawns, warm sunny skies, and shady trees.   We quickly forget the cons to outdoor fun.  First off, I walked outside this morning to play a little lacrosse and guess what?  Some freakishly large spider had decided that the walkway from my front door was the ideal place to build a web and catch prey.  I don't mind this if I am not the prey.  I walked right through this sticky mess.  I was pulling web off of me for twenty minutes.  I still feel like I have some on me and I have showered since this incident.  That was just the start.

I also live in an area close to a body of water.  Which is cool, but also means that your neighborhood is a food trail for every thirsty animal in the area.  There is a lot of wilderness here, so this translates to a lot of animals.  Most of them nocturnal with  an abnormally poor ability to dodge cars.  Every morning in the street,  is a buffet of last night's roadkill.  Nothing like seeing animals turned inside out just after breakfast.  I have not even mentioned the smell.  If it is a dead skunk, forget about going for the morning jog.

Sitting peacefully in the grass and enjoying the beautiful day, is an event that people in other state's do.  Here, we are cursed with tiny microscopic bugs called "chiggers."   I don't know where they get their name, but I hate them.  I think that they are Satan's insectazoid spawn.  The grass is good for mowing and not much else.  I would like to just put concrete down all the way around the house and make it like a racetrack.  

Shady trees look great, but here, beware.  The ticks drop from the trees.  Also, the cicadas live in the trees.  They sound weird, but look even more bizarre.  They are mutant-plan 9 from outer space beings.  Red devil eyes, black alien bodies and wings.  They shed their shell in the late summer and it is a real treat if one of those babies happens to drop on you.  Yes, you will avoid trees for some time after experiencing that.  

How about the romance of being with your lover/girlfriend/boyfriend/significant other/hotness in the summer heat.  I can think of many states where this is acceptable and cool.  I live in a subtropical zone, where I can think of nothing less romantic.  The humidity is a killjoy.  Nothing like getting close to someone in a humidity so thick that sweat is constantly pouring off of you.  That really makes you feel confident.  Most women's hair is shot after 10 minutes outside.  The real problem with sweat is the nice stains on the shirts and the constant rancid smell.  You have two options:  1.  Just endure the accompanying body odor and convince yourself that it is OK.  2.  Wear so much cologne/perfume that it masks the offensive smell completely.  The latter is what many people do and the result is nasty.  The body odor either mixes with the cologne/perfume creating a potpourri of stench, or the cologne/perfume is so strong that it makes the eyes, of everyone in a ten-foot radius, water profusely.  

One fashion tip for the guys out there.  Do not combat the summer heat with the loosely fitting shirt that you are only utilizing one of the buttons up the front.  You know, the tropical style shirt where you decide to show off you manness by only buttoning one of the middle buttons.  Few guys can pull this off and look good.  When I say few, I mean less than 1% of the population.  Probably nobody in the Midwest/Northeast/Southeast/Northwest/Southwest.  That just leaves a few guys in California, who are probably actors.  They spend about 7 hours a day working out, $10k/month on great "vitamins" and get their bodies waxed every other day.  They do this because movie studios pay them $10M to take their shirts off in films.  We all know who these actors are because most guys hate them and every woman loves them.  The rest of the world needs to keep their collective shirts buttoned.  This next tip should not even have to be mentioned, but if you are a man and are wearing any jewelry beyond a wedding band and watch, check yourself.  Bracelets, rings, earrings, necklaces, etc should be forbidden.  If you sport any of these, shake yourself off and come over to manhood.  These things just show your own insecurity and make you look like the dork that you are trying so hard to avoid looking like.  Nothing screams pay attention to me because I am so insecure, like a guy walking around with excessive bling.  Excessive is anything beyond the band and the watch.   

This is just a little red dogs point of view.

ONE OF MY PEEPS

The above photo is that of a friend of mine.  We hang out most days together.  Our handlers call him Justice, but his real name is Alpha Dog 10 number 6.  More about dog's real names in a minute.  He is an alpha dog who really can't stand having other animals in his yard.  He is cool with me, being that we are buds.  I am glad that we are friends because he is much larger than I am.  Also, he is somewhat aggressive when he plays.  He plays gentle with me, but with bigger dogs he really likes to get after it.  

Alpha Dog 10 number 6, aka Justice, is a great companion.  He enjoys his pack and is loyal to our primate handlers.  The names that primates give dogs and the dog's real names are never the same.  A dog's language is much more simplified and based on mathematic principles.  It is based on birth date, birth order, and position in the pack.  Justice is really Alpha, his pack position, 10, month of birth, 6, birth order.  It is a mouthful to translate this into English, but in dog speak it is just a few sounds or a sniff.  

Alpha Dog 10 number 6 is cute and I love him like a brother.  He is starting to get a little grey around the eyes and I know that he won't be with me forever, but so far so good.  

Why are dogs considered to be man's best friend.  The same reason that you can breed a dog to be the size of a Great Dane, but try it with a cat and you have a problem.  People who have cats the size of Great Danes roaming around their house are eventually eaten by the same cats.  Cats that size roam wild places and eat other animals.  Dogs that size, on the other hand,  sleep by the fireplace and eat leftovers.  Dogs take walks with their owners.  Dogs ride between their owners in cars and trucks.  Dogs play nicely with small babies and toddlers.  Dogs are like Marines:  loyal, courageous, and never leave one of their own behind.  Cats are like terrorists, you cannot trust them and you never know when they are going to turn on you.  It has been my personal experience that humans who prefer cats cannot be trusted.  

Of course this is being written by a dog and therefore may contain some amount of bias.  

TIME IS JUST BLOWIN' IN THE WIND

Here I am just chillin' like a villain.  I really need to put the brakes on this summer.  The weather has been excellent and days just continue to rush on by.  I have a theory that has been proven correct in the past couple of years.  Time is not absolute, it is relative.  When we had that massive under water earthquake a few years back, the impact caused the earth's rotation to slow, ever so slightly.   Based on this fact, I believe that time goes by faster relative to amount of fun you are having.  The more fun, the faster it moves.  There are some people that are so boring that when they talk, the sun stands still.  There are some people that are so fun, that time speeds by when they are around.  My handlers have some friends, Rochelle is one of them, and she is always very fun.  Time races by when she is around.  

Rochelle commented on yesterdays, post, noting that "redneck women don't just wear tube tops, but they wear them to weddings."  They also wear camouflage wedding gowns.  Rochelle would know, she was raised in a boat floating on the sea of rednecks.  She has been paddling against that prevailing cracker current for years.

Enough of the redneck talk for now. . .

Today I want to focus my attention on one of my passions; Lacrosse!!!  I know, most people don't really care about the fastest game on two feet, but it is so much fun to play.  I play every morning with a few of my mates and I dare anyone to play lacrosse and continue playing baseball.  Soccer is tame in comparison to lacrosse.  It is the perfect blend of the physicality of football, the speed of hockey, and athleticism of basketball.  Girls lacrosse and boys lacrosse are the most overlooked and under appreciated sports in the world.  Before the recent arrival of MMA, lacrosse was the fastest growing sport in the U.S..   

Besides the fun of playing, it is a fast paced game, which makes it great to watch.   Also, it is the oldest game in America, it is a Native American war game.  For all the guilt-laden white people, it is a form of giving back to the Native Peoples that we have wronged for the last 400 years.  My handlers like to play with me too.  Unfortunately, they have yet to find a way to slow me down.  My stature combined with superior athleticism makes me a tough one to stop.  I also, possess otherworldly stick work.  

I love most sports.  I just love some more.   It is kind of like ice cream.  You can't go wrong with ice cream.  I mean, its ice cream for heaven's sake.  I just like some more.  

THE LAW AND REDNECK CULTURE!!

The dog days of summer are in full throttle.  I could not resist using the tired phrase "dog days of summer."  Some cliches are just too easy.  What is not cliche, is the implementation of rules, laws, and justice.  I live in a place that I like to refer to as an island oasis in a sea of rednecks.  However, the tide is rising.  In this land, there seems to be a prevailing redneck type attitude that certain laws don't apply.  I remember last fall, during football season, the local football league asked that those attending the games, not to park in a certain area.  The area was residential and the people living there did not want a bunch of strange cars parked in front of their houses.  Seems logical to me and if I lived in that neighborhood, I am sure that I would feel the same way. 

Unfortunately, the Ford Truck drivin' part of our populace decided that the amount of taxes they pay, entitles them to park on any public street.  This may be true, however, it is nice to be a good citizen and respect the wishes of others.  I realize that it might have been some of this hardheaded-redneck attitude that led to the freedom from England, but it also contributed to the Civil War, racism, the KKK, and many other regrettable situations.  Well the neighbors had to get nasty and complain.  The league had to beg to be allowed to play on the fields.  The police started ticketing the offenders.  Rednecks lost this battle.  They will probably try to fight it again this fall.  

I don't want to sound as if I am down on the redneck cause.  Quite to the contrary, I find rednecks hilarious.  That redneck wedding show on CMT is the proverbial bomb!!!!   Redneck fashion is awesome!!!  I have never seen so many types of camouflage.  I see women at Super Target sporting pink camouflage cargo pants and capri pants.  Wow!!  Where would pink camouflage ever be functional?  Are these women planning on hiding in a field of pink hydrangea bushes?  

How about the Mullet.  It is a classic and will go down in history as one of the redneck staples.  However, that haircut screams economic ceiling.  Not too many CEOs sporting a mullet.  That would not go over well with shareholders.  Forget CEOs, not even middle management types can skate by with the Kentucky Waterfall.  The modern day equivalent of the mullet, is the goatee.  The durability of this beard/moustache hybrid is amazing.  Year in year out, dudes still rockin' the goatee.  I keep thinking that one morning, the collective goatee populace is going to wake up, look in the mirror, and realize that they look like an idiot.  

The list of redneck culture is vast:  camou-shorts, shirts with wolves and eagles on them, eagles and flags painted on truck windows, Calvin (of Calvin and Hobbes fame) urinating on various things, over-the-top NASCAR stickers on your truck, gun racks, female silhouetted mudflaps, bad teeth, tube tops, Carhartt, questionable grammar, tramp stamp tattoos, bad dye-jobs, obese women with string bean boyfriends, a fondness for mud, CAT Diesel hats, cigarettes, and dirt bike ridin'.  

Isolated, any one of the above can be considered normal, but if you start to put two or three of these together, you have a redneck. I am a redneck in appearance only, but as you can see I have adopted a redneck attitude in the above picture.  I don't pay taxes, but a little ol' dog like me isn't a threat to anyone.  Maybe this is how the whole redneck attitude begins. . .